Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push, into traffic.
Thought I had $707 in my bank account, turns out it was “LOL” and I was holding my statement upside down.
Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.
Boss: Hey, you feel like working overtime?
*Leaps into garbage compactor*
Date: “I don’t like Taco Bell.”
*Pushes her in front of a bus.*
According to the police report, waking up in your lover’s arms is only romantic when they know how you got in their house.
She said she was burning with desire, so I threw a bucket of water at her.
Dating is bullshit.
Sometimes you just need to reach out and touch someone. With a shovel. On the side of the head.
If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.
“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.