@Parentpains

If the liquor store didn’t want me to drink all their alcohol than they never should have put a help wanted sign in the window.

@Parentpains

“She must be shy” is probably what I say to myself the most when a woman abruptly moves across the country after talking to me.

@Parentpains

If you didn’t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.

@Parentpains

I’m not an olympic sprinter, I just run like one when my ex wants to talk.

@Parentpains

Apparently “I’ll break your god damn legs” isn’t the problem solving skills that employers are looking for, at least according to HR anyway.

@Parentpains

Some coworkers remind me of my ex, because I would jump in front of a bus to get out of a conversation with them too.

@Parentpains

Whenever I hear about a man jumping off a bridge I can’t help but wonder how long he was dating my ex.

@Parentpains

Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.

@Parentpains

Apparently, women only enjoy a nice romantic breakfast in bed when they know how you got in their house.

@Parentpains

It’s actually pretty easy to win an argument with a woman when you wait until she’s not around to have it.