My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
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Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word
Me: Hired
Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
You don’t realize how much you miss your privacy until you have a toddler hugging you the entire time you pee.
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
This is why you should never put a bald person on the front page of a newspaper
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*