Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work
Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Did you know cats often bite as a sign of affection and not because they want to murder you
Cats: no it’s murder
Doctor: Loss of smell is a symptom of covid
Me, a parent of a teen boy: Oh oh where can I get covid
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Her: I want a man who will carry me to the bedroom
Me: I gotchu babe *Gives piggyback*
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute