I’m walking around the hotel this morning with a briefcase handcuffed to my wrist.
It’s a great way to meet chicks.
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Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
If you marry someone a few years older, one thing they love is when any classic rock song comes on and you ask “Is this Led Zeppelin?”
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
Breaking news:
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Sure, being a lion tamer is dangerous but have you ever gotten a haircut while you had the hiccups?
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Shepherd’s wife: You always seem so happy dear.
Shepherd: I got ewe babe.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
Möther may I have a snäck
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
you do not exist just to pay bills and die, you must also act insane on the internet
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…