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NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
This dude messaged me to tell me to just block the dudes that annoy me so I replied “good idea” and then blocked him and he was so right it felt so great
As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
I’m a regular guy just like you. I put my pants on one leg at a time while thinking about how far I could throw each kind of bird while it sleeps.
Me: I’ll be there in five minutes
Pharmacist: It should be ready
Me: *time travels ten years to the future, goes to store*
Mutant Insect Pharmacist: It’ll be another fifteen minutes
Me: I KNEW IT
Being a “Hopeless Romantic” sounds kinda depressing. “Pull my chair out for me?” .. “I’d love to, but I’ve given up.”
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
A good Scotch should taste like how a haunted 17th century wardrobe smells.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
I don’t really believe in the sanctity of marriage but i do like the idea of someone having to pay legal fees to break up with me
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Discourage visitors by placing a “use other door” sign on your only door
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
There’s a disturbance in the coffee.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
#DesignFail
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me