@Parker_Simpson

Studies show that people who start a sentence with “studies show…” have no clue what they’re talking about

@Parker_Simpson

I imagine it’s pretty humbling for someone who’s literally taking part in their first rodeo

@Parker_Simpson

this Holiday Inn has their flag at half mast…I’m assuming one of their guests died overnight

@Parker_Simpson

I must be getting old…my urine flow sounds like a drippy leak in an old abandoned factory

@Parker_Simpson

When I’m backing out of a parking spot I like to just close my eyes and gun it because anythings possible through Jesus Christ

@Parker_Simpson

Hey guys keep up the “Bush did 9/11” tweets I think the pressure is really grinding his gears

@Parker_Simpson

We’re probably like 10 years away from ppl running for president strictly for more Twitter followers

@Parker_Simpson

It concerns me when someone comes out of the bathroom stall and has to wash their hands all the way up to their elbows

@Parker_Simpson

I wonder if ppl who design new kinds of toilet paper ever think,”Why do we ever try? ppl are gonna shit all over this new design”

@Parker_Simpson

If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad