IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
No Grandma, a friend with benefits is not someone who lends you a cup of sugar.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’m quiet and hate confrontation with neighbors, so I renamed our wifi “Some Of Us Think Your Rooster Should Be Kept Inside On Weekend Mornings.”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
Me: *pulls an apple out of my pocket*
Doctor: Easy now…let’s not get crazy.
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier