I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Girl Scout was out of Thin Mints and Samoas and tried to guilt me into taking those bullshit Trefoils off her hands.
FIND ANOTHER SUCKER, AUBREY.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
Ok, I’m disowning my entire family so that means y’all are my family now!
…I’m gonna need a head count for Thanksgiving, ok?
I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I’m looking for a home with huge yard, tall privacy fence and a couple of sheds preferably one with a freezer that can hold two or three.
–me on house hunters
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
I’m too immature for adultery.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.