Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen
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You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Told the kids it’s gonna cost them $8/month to keep using my last name.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
ME: *closes to Kill a Mockingbird*
WIFE: did you actually read it?
ME: yup
WIFE: what happens
ME: (very confidently) it was a bird massacre
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
“Pay attention to me, but not too much. Ignore me, but make me feel wanted. Let me know you want me, but don’t be clingy.”-women
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds
relationship goals
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.