I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
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Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the lobster. Order it alive. When it comes, order food for your new pet lobster. Then take lobster home.
The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
First date idea: Couples Colonoscopies.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
People buying plungers never look happy.
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
[how kids view their parents]
Age 3: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 5: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 10: these people are amazing, they know everything
Age 18: these drunks are just winging it
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
[worried my date might be getting bored so i turn my video game difficulty from easy to hard]
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave