So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
You Might Also Like
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.
M: I’m gonna go relax
H: ok I’m gonna clean out a closet and come ask you questions until you offer to help
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.