“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
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If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”
-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
Interviewer: “What is your biggest weakness?”
Me: “Answering job interview questions correctly.”
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.
Affordable healthcare, bb!
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
Politics would be a lot more fun if Congress had an open bar.
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Imagine there was a moment before Red Riding Hood arrived where the wolf in nightdress and sleeping hat asked himself what the hell he was doing.
everyone has that one prude friend
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
The pasta is now
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
This is my bus stop.