[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
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What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Only a mother’s love …
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
*Shakes wife awake
“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”
Wife:Omg kill Hitler!
“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
How did we not see this back then?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Not sure how to cuddle propawly
📹 absolute_kaos1 | IG
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
Can you explain the gaps in your resume?
Yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.