@PatsATweetin

the least self aware person is this type of recipe reviewer

⭐☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend

@PatsATweetin

I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed

@PatsATweetin

[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside

[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!

@PatsATweetin

[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]

ugh, overcooked

@PatsATweetin

doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh

@PatsATweetin

dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.

@PatsATweetin

friend: wow, your kids are so quiet

me: ya, the hypnotist worked wonders

wife: netflix. he means netflix.

@PatsATweetin

I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir

@PatsATweetin

[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here