doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet

patient: well what does it actually say

doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh


dryer: permanent press

me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.


friend: wow, your kids are so quiet

me: ya, the hypnotist worked wonders

wife: netflix. he means netflix.


I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir


me: wow it’s hot down here

guy: ya but it’s a dry heat

me: i totally get why you’re here


god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!

jesus: ya dad?

god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.


me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?

friend: lawn mower?

me: no, i want lawn lesser.


wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?


[in court]

me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard

judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know