doctor: you have 2 weeks to live… haha just kiddin i didnt even look at your chart yet
patient: well what does it actually say
doctor: *reading chart* ok youre gonna laugh
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
friend: wow, your kids are so quiet
me: ya, the hypnotist worked wonders
wife: netflix. he means netflix.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
me: wow it’s hot down here
guy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know