If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?