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I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Yelling “wooooo” when the singer says the name of your town is what separates us from the animals.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?
One is a whiny toddler, and the other is a tiny waddler!
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
[first date]
*Ok don’t let her know you’re a vampire*
“Would you like a mint?”
*reaches in pocket, pulls out SPF 5,000,000,000*
“Dammit”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now