Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
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i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Her: stop kicking everything you don’t feel like picking up under the refrigerator
Me: why
*from under the refrigerator*
*baby noises*
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
caveman: *bit by a radioactive cave*
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
The best thing about microchipping my cat is that I connected him to my ApplePay account and now I can use him to pay for things when I forget my wallet.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
This is a true ally.
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I told my 2.5yo we were looking for a house with three bedrooms, a room for him, his sister, and us.
Him: I want five bedrooms.
Me: why? So we can have more kids?
Him: No. More parents.
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.