*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
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Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
It’s a gift
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
a public service announcement
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie