Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
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Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Arthur just couldn’t quite get used to working from home.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.