If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”