*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
*Jesus multiplies a loaf of bread for the masses*
From the back: Actually I’m gluten free now.
Jesus: ughhh, someone get me a fish
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
wife: Do you love the dog more than-
me: Yes
“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”
~men about to have their bunny boiled
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having