People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
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Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
Damn he played himself
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.