Cinco De Mayo
Cinco De Ketchup
Cinco De Mustard
Cinco De Siracha
Cinco De Ranch Dressing
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Billy Ocean’s “Get Outta My Dreams” is my favorite song about simultaneous eviction & abduction.
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
“Did he just do that by himself?” 🛹 🐈 😎
🔊 Sound up
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
I put my earbuds on just like everybody else. Frantically as someone approaches.
[At check-out] *gets out credit card*
Sales assistant: WILL THAT BE ON CARD?
Me: No, I just wanted to wave it around for a while.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
[Michael Cera melting like a slug because there’s too much salt on his fries]
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.