going to the ER y’all need anything
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One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Wife: [Came back from hair salon] Are you not going to compliment me on my hair?
Me: So sorry! It’s a very nice cut! Good length on you.
Wife: I got highlights. Jack*ss.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My daughter said, “You’re the best mommy ever!”
I’m really proud that she’s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
Me: [smiling straight ahead toward camera]
iPhone facial recognition: who the fuck are you
Me: [head down, chin doubled, scowling]
iPhone facial recognition: OH HEY THERE YOU ARE!
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
At Walmart during the holidays like..
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.