Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.
WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?
Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.