@Paxochka

Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.

@Paxochka

Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.

@Paxochka

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

@Paxochka

I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.

@Paxochka

I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.

@Paxochka

It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.

@Paxochka

My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.

@Paxochka

Now that Steve Jobs is gone we’ll never ever know why c**t autocorrects to Cynthia.

WHO WAS CYNTHIA?!?

@Paxochka

Saying “bukkake” when people sneeze is the new “gezundheit”, honest.

@Paxochka

Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.