I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
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Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …
wise man 1:
wise man 2:
wise man 3:
me: you said we weren’t doing big gifts
wise man 1: why would a baby need an olive garden gift card—
me: WHY WOULD A BABY NEED MYRRH??
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
before 2018 ends, I’d like to apologize to the guy who parked too close to me at the Family Dollar. Sorry for leaving that note on your car, I did not mean those things I wrote about your mother
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I cannot stop laughing at this
gf: where’s that parcel from
me: amazon
gf: what’s in it
me: *bleeding* piranhas
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt