hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
You Might Also Like
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it
– me, plugging in a USB
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”
West Side Story is great because it asks ‘What could be more horrifying than gang violence?’ and concludes that the answer is theatre kids.
satan: welcome to hell
me: this isn’t so bad..is this a library?
s: yup all you can read!
m: wow!
s: say, weren’t you paralyzed by indecision your entire life?
me, nervously: yes..why?
*satan gestures to shelves of nothing but “choose your own adventure” books*
m: aw hell
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Based on the amount of laundry I did today I have to assume there are people living in this house I haven’t met yet.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
If you press this button, you will get a piece of cheesecake but one person on earth will die so-
*me already pressing button* sorry, what?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
*abruptly stops sword fighting my pet raccoon* Oh the intervention is for me??
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t