When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
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Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
The part of my boyfriend is now being played by what appears to be a memory of a time he said brb
My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Grandmother clock.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
The options really are this bad
*orders delivery*
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
The hardest part about Halloween dinner is the buttering of the candy corn.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever