It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
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Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
If you use the word “whatevs” I will refuse to drink with you, unless you’re buying me a drink then whatevs.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Police Officer: “Turn around!”
Me: *sings* “Every every now and then I get a little bit lonely and you’re never coming round…”
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
*puts my mental health in rice
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
*hears someone breaking in*
*grabs gun and walks down hallway*
*cord drags*
*realizes I grabbed Nintendo gun from Duck Hunt*
*gets shot*
Mazda’s marketing slogan is “We Build Mazdas.” They decided on it after rejecting others like: “Mazdas Are Cars” and “Buy Mazdas With Money”
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
just gave your address to some spiders