Learning just enough german words to yell so I can scare my neighbors
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High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
If you don’t open your mouth while putting on mascara, you die.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
My coworker was like “I love kids! Can’t finish a whole one by myself though hahaha!” And I was just like wow I could easily eat like 5.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.
What part of watching dogs on skateboard makes YouTube ads think I’m in any position to buy the brand new Lexus?
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Body by Oreos
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.