Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
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I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
You guys beat up on Catholicism, but any time you need an exorcism, there you are dialing up the rectory.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
imagine telling yo girl a joke and i start laughing under the bed
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Why, in the name of heck, do they call it a “fun-size” candy bar when the fun part is getting more candy, not less? 🍫😠
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it