Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
<~>Fortune Cookie<~>
We see you put egg roll from buffet in purse. Very bad woman.
People text “happy new year” and go missing for the rest of the year!
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don’t say “Safe in your strong arms” when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
Grab and smash, smash and grab such is time spent in a mammogram
Being a parent to a preteen daughter is fun bc sometimes they’re mad at you for not letting them get a phone but other times they’re even more mad at you for not…[checks notes]…letting them get a pet venomous snake
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Last night, I fell asleep with one of those new e-cigarettes in my mouth.I woke up half an hour later and my whole house was on the internet
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo