Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
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[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
[Confessional Booth]
Catholic: I’ve done a terrible thing, will I still make it into Heaven?
Me, as a priest: *shakes Magic 8 Ball* My sources say no.
PLEASE READ
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.
Mornin. * use accordingly
dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Sometimes, I think I have had enough personal embarrassment for one lifetime, but then, I’m all like, “No.”
[rises from chair]
NO.