Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
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The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
The sun is 100% solar-powered.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
The best time to tell a girl that she have something tucked in her teeth is when there’s no mirror around and there’s nothing in her teeth.
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
[watching a movie]
Me: ooh! I know that actor! Wasn’t he in that tv show we watched?
Him: no that wasn’t him that was a different actor
Me:
Him:
Me: *eyes narrow*
Him: *eyes narrow*
*both start frantically googling*
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”