going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
You Might Also Like
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
[interviewing to be a lifeguard]
me 🎶 I’m too sexy for my shirt 🎶 Too sexy for my shirt 🎶
interviewer: ok, I get it, you keep repeating that. Do you know CPR?
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I eat bagged salad two days *past* the sell-by date, if you’re looking for a bad boy with a mysterious tummy ache
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-
Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.
Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-
Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*
Him: How do you even steer?
Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
It’s not Christmas until the stockings are hung, the tree is trimmed and Hans Gruber falls from the top of Nakatomi Plaza.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.