The Windows weather app shows moon rise and set times. Who is this information for? Werewolves?
You Might Also Like
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
Men: Remember that time…
Women: Yes
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
Me: *finally finds the motivation to do a computer task that I’ve been procrastinating for months*
Laptop: TIME TO UPDATE LOSER
Me: Your dating profile said you’re looking for a girl who knows how to have fun.
Him: Yes! *winks*
Me: [starts taking kittens out of purse]
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
me: i swear officer, i can even say the alphabet backwards
cop: not really relevant to this murder investigation but ok
the three genders
We have a 19-year-old cat. At least we think so. He sometimes lies about his age.