I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
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in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
(Person choking)
Heimlich: Would it help if I gave you a hug?
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
I spend too much of my time asking our dog, “have you seen the kids?!”
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
My high school son works at a grocery store and I went through his checkout line with wine. He called a manager for approval.
M: Did you proof her?
S: She’s my mom.
M: OK but she may not be 21.
S: That’s biologically impossible.
M: No it’s not.
*My son is 16.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
everywhere a sign. ⚠️