I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
You Might Also Like
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I saw a guy that had a knife on his belt tonight and I thought, “now there’s a guy that’s really prepared to slice some cake”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
I think that’s enough internet for one day…
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.