So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
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kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
*watching an elephant eat a ton of food* wow
*my cat watching me eat a ton of food* wow
3-year-old: I want more milk.
Me: What’s the magic word?
3: *enraged falcon screech*
Close enough.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me “I AM THE CHOSEN ONE!”
Wife “Don’t be so dramatic. Everyone gets jury duty sometime”.
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”