Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
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SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
Me: What sneakers are you wearing?
Her: Converse
Me: Omg Sandra, that’s what I’m trying to do.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA