Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
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free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
if you’re venting to someone and they say “idk I see both sides” you’re wrong
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
DO YOU WANT ME TO RAP?
I WILL RAP!– how I threaten my kids
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
I know
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah