Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
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I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
I once scaled a mountain to seek the wisdom of a Tibetan monk. He said life is like a gum ball machine, sometimes it takes your quarter and you get nothing. Then he charged me a dollar.
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.