I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
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I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back