Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
People who say 45 minutes past the hour are the same ones who have kids 89 and 63 months old
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Imagine if batteries screamed in agony when they started to die
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.