If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
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I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
“Of all the cheeses, you are my all-time favourite.”
Me, to whatever cheese I’m currently eating.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Robbing a bank and getting away in a hot air balloon is on my bucket list.
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
I’m afraid my neighbors are starting to notice that I can’t tell them apart but greet each of their dogs by name.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.