When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
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date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
The guy that figured out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably had a lot of explaining to do.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
If you are considering buying some guy’s program that promises to make you rich in the stock market or real estate, ask yourself why does the guy need to make money off of selling you a program if he’s figured out how to get rich in the stock market or real estate?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Kids: Can we go outs-
Me and wife, together: YES PLEASE
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
*watches the world burn*
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.