If you think you can bribe me with a bagel to show up to your dumb meeting well congratulations you have cracked my code
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In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
HELP 😭
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
Hell hath no fury like a small child being told there’s only fruit for dessert.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will