me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
soldier: Why do you call it that.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
one last job
how was your vacation
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
three things we don’t talk about
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
five hundred miles