@PhilJamesson

[rubs lamp]

[genie appears]

genie: you have three—

me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!

genie: seconds

me: what

genie: two

me: until what

genie (pulling out a gun): one

@PhilJamesson

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@PhilJamesson

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man

@PhilJamesson

[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???

giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first

me: ah sorry martin

medium rat demon: come back to bed baby

@PhilJamesson

my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive

me: yeah i guess so

my enemy, ted: want to play a game