genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
three things we don’t talk about
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
five hundred miles
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.
me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game